Baby Mama Won't Allow My Stepdaughter to Call Me "Mommy".

Over the years, many parents in composite families have come up to me about stepchild disrespect. In some cases, their stepkids didn't respect them, and in others, their biological kid didn't respect their new spouse.

Frequently, the kids were rude or obnoxious, saying things like, "Y'all're not my begetter; I don't accept to listen to you lot!"

Naturally, stepparents go very upset when their stepchildren are disrespectful to them. The truth is, a kid may never respect their stepparent, but they accept to know they can't get away with beingness rude or obnoxious. Therefore, you and your spouse need to be united in demanding that your kids treat both of you respectfully.

And let me exist clear about disrespect. Parents have to exist careful because it's difficult to stop this behavior once it gets entrenched. By existence rude, kids railroad train adults what non to inquire them and what not to expect of them. And households don't office well where the kids teach the adults how to behave rather than the other way around.

Explain the Family unit Rules to Your Kids

If you haven't done and so already, sit down with the kids in your blended family unit and explain the ground rules. Start by saying:

"In our family now, both of us are the parents."

So say:

"And these are the expectations on every child."

I also recommend that parents tell their stepkids from the beginning:

"You don't have to call me Mom, but you must be respectful and follow my directions."

Accept this meeting together with your partner and all the children. And set the expectation that y'all both volition enforce the rules the same.

The consequences for disobedience should be clear and consistently enforced. For example, the kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they volition lose their electronics privileges for the residue of the nighttime.

In other words, at that place should be no tolerance for defiance and boldness. You and your partner need to present a unified front when explaining this to your kids.

How to Handle "You lot're Not My Mom!"

If one of your stepkids says, "Yous're not my mom; I don't have to do what you say!" You can say:

"No, I'm non your female parent, just you take to do your homework anyhow."

Or:

"We're not talking about me being your begetter. We're talking about when you're going to start your homework."

When a child says, "Yous're not my mom or dad," what they're trying to practise is take your power away. Focus on your role as the parent and calmly remind the kid what the rules are in your dwelling.

The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. The child is inviting you lot to a fight; decline the invitation. Instead, restate your part and the rules. They don't have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, just they must be respectful and follow the rules.

Kid: "You're non my mom/dad!"

Translation: I don't have to heed to you lot; you have no command over me.

Ineffective parent response: "You'll do what I say anyhow!"

Effective parent response: "I am not your mother. But I am one of the parents in this household responsible for you, and y'all are obligated to follow the household rules. And if yous break the rules, there will be consequences."

Focus on Your Stepchild's Behavior, Non Their Thoughts

Every bit long as your stepchild complies with your rules, don't worry if they seem a bit resentful that yous're their authority. In other words, don't claiming them on what they're thinking.

For example, when yous tell them to do their chores and they do them, that should be enough. They don't have to like it. You have to let it go as long as you have reasonable compliance.

And don't worry if they give y'all a muddied look or roll their optics—those behaviors are annoying but harmless. Therefore, don't requite the eye-rolling undeserved ability by reacting to information technology. Instead, ignore it, and it will eventually go abroad.

Here'southward the bottom line: if you lot carry yourself with respect, kids volition discover things to like nearly you. That'south because kids want to like people that they respect.

Also, know that kids may never go over the breakup of their original family. But also know at that place's naught you as a stepparent can do about that besides accept it and avoid getting into fights about it.

Parent Your Biological Kids and Stepkids The Aforementioned

When you're parenting in a composite household, they're all your kids. That means, parent them notwithstanding and don't give special handling to your biological kids. Care for each child the aforementioned, regardless of whether they're your biological or stepchild.

Similarly, family time should as well include anybody; endeavor not to make distinctions. That means y'all say the following:

"When we're going to the zoo, we're all going to the zoo—the whole family."

Or:

"When information technology'due south family dinner time, we're all eating together."

It'southward Okay That Your Biological Child is Special to You

Even though you demand to parent all the kids the aforementioned, sympathize that information technology'southward normal and natural to have special love, feelings, and attachments to your biological kids. Don't feel guilty about that—it'south okay and expected. Y'all don't have to fight those feelings. Your biological kids are not the same every bit your stepkids.

Nevertheless, know that when it comes to rules, consequences, and family unit commitments, compartmentalize your special feelings and exist consistent with all your kids, whether step or biological.

And don't worry that y'all might lose that connexion with your biological kid by doing and so. There may be anger and jealousy, but that biological connection is potent and doesn't become abroad.

What To Do When Your Biological Kid Challenges You

Often, in blended families, information technology's common for the biological kids to claiming their birth parents. They'll accuse their parents of being unfair. They'll say things like, "You're treating his kids better than me." Or, "He treats his kids better than you treat us." And you might too hear, "He treats his kids meliorate than he treats us."

Parents take to work together to solve these problems. When your kid comes to you and says something unfair happened, the kind of question you have to ask is:

"If I was in that location, what would I take seen?"

So, allow's say your child says, "Today, she treated her kids improve than us." The question yous take to ask is not, "How did you feel?" or "What happened," because those answers get distorted.

Instead, parents should ask what I call investigative questions. For example, ask your child:

"If I was at that place, what would I take seen?"

Let's say the reply is, "Yous would have seen her give three cookies to her kids and two cookies to u.s.a.." That'due south something they tin see, not what they felt.

So, finding out what they saw is the virtually effective way to investigate these situations. Those are besides my primal questions when parents tell me their kids are acting out at home. One of the things I used to ask them in my office was:

"If I was at that place, what would I have seen?"

And then they'll say, "Yous'd have seen my son punching a pigsty in the wall and threatening his sister and calling his brother names."

I want to know what I would accept seen considering that'due south how I can determine what they need to do differently.

So over again, you're asking for facts. And after you get the facts, say to your kid:

"Okay, I'll await into it and will get back to you."

Then talk to the other parent in private to discuss the issue.

Get on the Same Page With Your Spouse

Parents in all families, but specially blended families, are often in conflict about how to parent the kids. They may disagree on the rules about bedtime, homework, or the use of electronics. Effort to resolve these parenting differences and learn how to parent together as a team.

Just don't kid yourselves. Although you may agree to things and work them out ahead of fourth dimension, every bit stressors and different situations happen, realize that information technology's common for you and your spouse to react in ways you didn't conceptualize. It'south impossible to program for everything.

The key is to be adult and understanding of each other. If you're in a blended family situation, you accept to learn to alive with your partner past respecting their point of view.

The dominion has to exist, "Whatsoever agreement we come up upwards with, we accept to present a united front." Indeed, the mutual theme in the family unit should be that Mom and Dad piece of work together equally a team.

That style, when your stepchild says, "You're not my father," the answer is, "You're right, I'one thousand not. Merely these are the expectations that your mother and I have, and if y'all don't follow through, you volition exist held answerable." This clarity allows you to avoid getting into power struggles with your stepchild.

Recognize the Importance of the Biological Parent

Information technology's important to institute the importance of the biological parent. The biological parent ought to be the chief parent in most cases. Think of it this mode: marriages suspension up sometimes, but the relationship between the child and the birth parent will never dissolve.

Because of this connection, the biological parent should be the decision-maker of last resort for their child, as long as the decisions don't jeopardize the emotional and physical safety of anybody else in the family.

That means when there are conflicts, the nascence parent will make the final decision. Of grade, that doesn't mean the kid is immune to be abusive or hurtful.

If you think your spouse isn't parenting your kid the manner they should, you need to communicate with them and work things out. If at that place's a disagreement, the birth parent'southward decision takes priority, and the stepparent has to be mature plenty and trusting enough in the relationship to become forth with it, without a lot of pouting and self-compassion.

Related content: Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting

Practise Things Together as a Family

If yous want to come together every bit a family, you have to make rules about doing things together. And then you can make the rule, "On Wednesday nights, nosotros all sentry a video together." This dominion is in place whether the kids similar it or not. Brand family unit fourth dimension a requirement.

Let them know that if they refuse to watch the video, they lose their electronics for the rest of the night. But the deal is, we all watch a video, and we all go to the zoo. In curt, this family does things together.

Requiring family fourth dimension gives kids the message that "This is important to us, and it's and then important that information technology'due south a requirement." They learn that you exercise things as a family unit and respect each other when you're doing them.

By the style, don't overdo it with teenagers because, developmentally, their job is to start to break away. We only want them to brand a reasonable endeavour to participate without being calumniating, disrespectful, or nasty.

With younger kids, having a night where you play board games is fun. Older kids may resist it at starting time, simply younger kids will love it. If you start when they're small, family nighttime becomes a given, and it becomes their style of understanding how the family operates.

Encourage Your Kids to Limited Themselves

Ane concluding word about kids: children have to be empowered to express what they experience and remember, and those thoughts and feelings have to be accepted at face value.

When two adults decide to blend their families, kids take no choice. Equally a result, the kids feel powerless. That's why if you try to do a family meeting without getting their input first, kids will likely get defensive or feel threatened.

Therefore, give the kids advisable means to express themselves then they don't accept to act out their feelings behaviorally. Expressing themselves doesn't mean they get to determine how the family volition run, merely it does mean they have input.

Likewise, this input is unremarkably best received by the kid's birth parent. If birth parents can talk to their kids about their concerns, it is much easier to work them out, and it's much easier for the two adults to agree.

So the idea is not to squelch the kids but rather to set upwardly a situation where they can express their feelings safely and appropriately. And remember, no rule or situation has to last forever.

Exist a Mature Parent

Blended families can be emotionally hard on parents. For case, it's hard to come across your stepchild come up back from a holiday with their other set of parents and take better presents than you gave them. And it's hard when they brag about the fun things they did with their other family unit or are distressing about the things they used to do earlier their original family divide up.

You will be hurt and frustrated at times—that's entirely normal in these situations. And without a doubtfulness, you'll harbor resentment and jealousy.

Nonetheless, you've got to learn to handle these situations maturely, and yous have to manage your emotions effectively. It helps to talk to your partner or call your friends for support. If you demand professional help, go to a advisor.

The main thing is, you need to work toward accepting the realities of a blended family. It's non that you shouldn't experience these things—it'south that you need to deal with your feelings maturely and not let your emotions command you.

Conclusion

The key to finding harmony in a blended family unit is communication and maturity on the part of the parents. Accept that the kids may never blend the way you want them to, or they may blend wonderfully. Simply know that it's the parents who accept to blend, and that means seeing your spouse as a partner, not as an obstacle.

I know that this advice is easier said than washed. But I've seen many families do it successfully, and they've been able to bring peace to their homes.

Related content:
Stepchildren Making You Crazy? v Ways to Manage Conflict in Composite Families

adamstextill.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-part-ii-what-to-do-when-your-stepkids-disrespect-you/

Share this post